A Line In The Sand

Hey there design friends! I just spent a good portion of my day doing some major up leveling to my apartment that I had been meaning to do for a while and just kept putting off or literally not being able to make time for it. It felt so good to accomplish a task that makes my space feel more like, MY space and not like just another apartment. I talked about a lot of the little upgrades I did for my home in episode 2 of this podcast and  hose were all things that I did around May of last year, but I really try to freshen something in my home up seasonally, if possible, but definitely twice a year minimum. Spring can be inspiring to do that if even it is just purging old things, or buying a new piece of artwork, or painting an accent wall - these little moves can feel revolutionary. And so for me, and a lot of my friends and clients, upgrades tend to happen over a period of time. In the professional interior design world we call that “phasing” but it’s practical for DIY’ers for a few reasons. It gives you a lot more flexibility in your time. If you do large renovations all at once, you put up a lot of time in the beginning of the process, and then everything gets done really quickly. But if you’re doing small projects over a period of time, you control the frequency, how much time you’re spending each week or each  month - so that’s really great. There’s also the amount of energy that it takes. You can take as many breaks as you want. You could go six months without doing anything, and then spend two weekends in a row working on something. Totally up to you. It also makes a lot of sense financially because you can save in between projects, rather than footing the bill all at once.

And then there’s the idea of marinating in between these projects, so if you do something like paint an accent wall - then you can kind of see what that looks like in the space before you make a decision about getting a new sofa. Then once you do get a new sofa, you can see how that looks with your accent wall. Then make a decision about your area rug. So, sometimes it can be really hard for people to visualize what a new space will look like all at once, and when you do things in phases, it can really help with the visualization aspect of a project.

This is of course in contrast to like a gut renovation where you get a designer, pick everything out in the beginning, move out of your home, have it completely revamped and then you move back in -  BAM! new home. Thats awesome and actually very efficient way to update your space, but that process just isn’t workable for everyone.

It’s funny because I was working on this project I mentioned, loving how it was turning out, feeling excited that I was doing something I had waited so long to do. And yet, I still had that thought in the back of my mind of what some of the bigger critics in my life would have to say about it. And its hard for me to shake off little negative thoughts like that, but for me I know that I have to dig deeper, past that inner critic, past my fear of failure, past my perfectionism, and get down to that inner child energy - and really pay attention to and feed what makes that part of me light up.  Everything else has to take a back seat. For instance, this project I hung some wallpaper and actually you can see a really fun time-lapse video of me and my partner hanging the wallpaper on the Soft Landing Instagram account. The wallpaper we hung is blue, and blue was always my favorite color as a child. As I got older, I started to compare myself and my likes and dislikes to others and I felt like blue was too boring to be my favorite color. So, sometimes I would say my favorite color was red, or purple, or pink, and I do like all those colors. But deep down in my heart of hearts, I know I am a basic blue kind of girl. 

All that said, I am a pretty autonomous and independent person, like almost to a fault, frankly. I definitely march to the beat of my own drum.

A lot of the my clients lean in the opposite direction, and want multiple peoples’ opinions in the fold, including certain family and friends opinions on their home - how it looks, how it functions. And I know that if I, a pretty independent person, struggle with what I think other people will think of my space, then I know a lot of you struggle with it as well. It can be a huge non-negotiable for some people - working with people they love, getting their approval on their space, getting them to say “yes, this looks amazing, I love your home.” If that is a goal for you, its super important to stay in touch with that sense of inner joy, and make sure that the decisions made for your space are meeting your needs too. 

So, there’s two things I want to touch on today, that really fall into the psychology of interior design - and that’s opinions and boundaries. And let me just say - I want to acknowledge that the term boundaries is one of those words that I didn’t really hear in common use until a few years ago and now its being overused and misused. But when it comes to our physical space, boundaries show up in a very tangible way, which is great because we get to practice creating boundaries and protecting them. I also want to acknowledge that I am an interior designer, definitely not a psychologist, and these are my opinions, based on years of working with clients.

Personal boundaries are defined as guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. So that’s important right - it isn’t just about setting a boundaries it’s about what you do when those boundaries are inevitably crossed.

If you physically share space with someone, whether its a roommate, live-in family, a partner - you’ve got to commit to letting these people express their needs, and working to express your own needs to them. When the person you’re developing boundaries with is an actual household member, understanding and maintaining boundaries for all parties involved is key. If one person’s needs are prioritized and another’s are pushed aside to meet those, it can create an environment that’s challenging to be comfortable in. 

This is way easier said than done. So often with relationship dynamics, one person is more expressive about their wants and needs and another person is less expressive, but that doesn’t mean that person doesn’t have wants and needs.

A common example of this is when a new person moves in to your space, whether is a roommate, a family member, or even a partner. Or vice versa right if you move into someone else’s space. This can create an imbalanced dynamic, because whoever was already living in the space will have an inherent maybe even subconscious sense of territory- which is perfectly normal. If these territorial feelings aren’t talked about openly, some things that can occur include resentment, unequal division of home responsibilities, and a general sense that there is a visitor who won’t leave. And thats really unfair to all parties involved. One way that this can be resolved and avoided, and this is particularly helpful if theres a new roommate or extended family member moving in is for the person who was there first to visualize that this is a new space for BOTH parties. That may involve some reorganization, including switching bedrooms, changing the layout of common spaces, especially common spaces with assigned subspaces like the kitchen. If this is a fresh start for everyone, the paying field gets a little more level. 

The other thing to keep in mind is common versus private space - this is something we discuss  in commercial interior design all the time, but it’s important for the home too - are there spaces that are meant just for you, or for just the others in the space, and there are spaces that are meant for social gathering. What are the policies around shared spaces? So many times there are assumed ways of living that need to be spoken, such as shoes or no shoes, levels cleanliness, tolerance for guests, and sometimes there anre sub-divisions within a common space that one party thinks is their specific territory, like a record college or set of nice kitchen knives. These types of conversations can bring up feelings, and they can be super difficult because not everyone is on the same page all of the time, but let me assure you, the discussion will happen - you get to decide if its early on when everyones riding the wave of change, or some time in when resentments have already developed and it comes out sideways or in a less intentional way. 

I’ve had a lot of roommates in my life and of course rarely did this well, so this is really coming from my own trial and error, don’t be like me and pretend you’re cool with whatever when you’re not. It is okay to set ground rules and check in about them periodically. But it’s also important not to make the a living situation so bound up by rules that everyone feels like they’re walking on eggshells. It needs to be a conversation - a back-and-forth dialogue, about what makes everyone feel comfortable. 

If you have an in-law suite in your home and are actually having you in-laws or another family member move in, these conversations around privacy still need to be had, even though at times it will feel like that person has a completely separate apartment - there are still things to consider like schedule overlap, parking, noise, and guests. Don’t save it for later.

Now, of course the ideal way to bring in new house members -  especially, if it involves a partner, is to get a brand new space. Not one person moving into another person’s space, not the other person replacing your roommate, but to have a clean slate, a clean break, no memories attached, no - “that used to be my closet”, no - “that’s where I keep my cereal”, no “I’ll give you a few drawers” - just brand new space to be divided and discussed equally by both of you. Of course that isn’t always possible, but if you’re having trouble with a recent cohabitation, you might want to consider this as a potential reason why. 

And again, it’s completely natural to be territorial - bringing in a new person to your home under any circumstance can bring up stress and other feelings. It’s inherent to our sense of safety and wellbeing, change is challenging and many of us are wired to keep things the same and feeling safe - but when we embrace change we can be rewarded with community, a deeper connection with the people in our lives.

What about temporary guests? One of the most common requests I get, is to create a space for guests in someones home. There’s usually a specific person in mind too, it isn’t just a random guest - when people ask for a guest space they know exactly who they want to stay there. And I have to say if you have the space, it’s an awesome thing to be able to do. Getting to host friends and family is such a great experience. 

What you don’t want to do is sacrifice you own living space to create a B-n-B for your cousins. Sorry to my cousins. If you’re living in a small apartment, trying to create a dedicated space for guests is like truing to get 10 lbs. of sugar in an 8 lb. bag. There is no magical Murphy bed that will materialize whenever you clap your hands, no foldable wall that will look purposeful when it isn’t be used, and sofa beds can feel like parking a Winnebago on a sidewalk when you open them up. It is okay to offer your sofa or an air mattress or recommend a the closest hotel to your nearest and dearest. There is no need to cut your own bedroom in half.

Okay, so the last thing you need to know about space boundaries is how to process other peoples opinions. I spoke on this in episode one, it’s all about identifying your group of trusted advisors and listening to their opinions, and their opinions alone.  But, what if you disagree with one of your appointed design committee members. And what if someone outside of your chosen circle gives you criticism and is still rattles up insecurities?

Here’s the thing to remember- everyone is entitled to their own opinion, it doesn’t have to be the same as yours and if there are two or more different opinions on a particular topic, we don’t have to set up debate club until someone is proven right or wrong - there is no right or wrong, there’s only opinions. Opinions are not facts, and a persons opinions do not define them.

You know, when it’s your space and the day is done, and everyone leaves your house and you are there by yourself, if there is a part of you that doesn’t love the way your home feels, looks, or functions (because you took someone else’s advise and second guessed your instincts) you are the one who will have to live with that - literally. You’re the one who has to look at that paint color or sit in that dining chair. It’s your space. You have to love it on a deep, soul level. If your home doesn’t lift your spirts the second you walk into it, you need to make a change. And so, if someone is telling you to do a certain thing or buy from a certain place - thats great, they might be right. But, if what they are saying doesn’t light you up inside, you can just say “thank you.” You don’t even have to say “no thanks.” You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t have to argue with them. You just have to know that it doesn’t work for you, and move on.  And I’m talking about the feeling of really loving something - not because you want the person’s approval, or you want them to leave you alone and stop talking about your ottoman placement, but because the actual idea feels really good to you. This is your universe.  Take care of it. That’s all I have for you today, I love you all a ton and I appreciate your support so so much. I hope you guys have an awesome day and we will chat soon.