Tell It To My Heart

Hello my fancy friends, thank you so much for tuning in today! Many of us will be traveling over the coming weeks for all the various holidays in the winter months. This is a time to spend with family and friends, and often times we are graciously hosted by our loved ones in their homes. 2020 was a huge year for home improvements, remodeling, updating, and upgrading; so it’s more than likely you will be asked your opinion about the new look of your nearest and dearests’ home. The art of criticism and feedback is one that I spend lots of time discussing with my many lovely students at all levels of study. The ability to give notes and suggestions in a manner that is insightful, helpful, and implementable is a skill that can be developed, when you have the right tools. So today, we are going to break down the delicate balance of stating your honest opinion, without ruining dinner.

But first, let’s talk about the Color of the Week. We just experienced the second and last lunar eclipse of 2022, and the last total lunar eclipse until 2025. We had an eclipse in the spring, but November’s full moon eclipse is often referred to as the Beaver moon. This time of year is when beavers settle into their carefully made lodges for the winter. Fittingly, this eclipse, while still considered a blood moon, had a much more golden glow to it than spring’s eclipse, which is perfectly captured by Sherwin Willians Ambitious Amber SW 6366. This soft, warm yellow looks best when paired with a wide variety of other colors. Try layering in medium tone grays, deep chocolate browns, bright white, camel, leaf green, eggplant, and slate blue. This color will bring a healthy dose of enchantment into your space, capturing the rare energy we get with every lunar eclipse that promises big change.

Before I give any type of feedback, whether it’s to a family member, a client, or a student; the first thing I do is I check my internal motives. What are my feelings and hoped outcomes that are inspiring me to say what I’m going to say? This can be much harder than it sounds, as it requires us to peel back several layers of thoughts and feelings. I ask myself a series of questions tha better focus myself intent. What is my goal with stating my opinion? Am I trying to be supportive? Am I trying to validate the person’s decisions? Do I actually like their space, or not? And why? Am I envious of their ability to make changes in their home? Am I now feeling insecure about my own home? Am I having a hard time not focusing the conversation around myself? Am I feeling nervous having the spotlight on me for a perfect response? Am I trying to relay personal lessons I’ve learned in my own homemaking experience that may benefit them? Am I giving honest feedback or opining on what I presume others would say? Am I taking into consideration my dear ones’ likes, dislikes, and personality, or am I speaking from my own preferences? 

Tapping into our underlying motives can drastically change the course of the feedback we give and how we say it. If my motives are driven by my own jealously of some else’s shiny new space, I may, in fact, exercise the luxuriously freeing option of radical honestly and expressing my true feeling that I’m jealous!! Who wouldn’t want to hear their friends tell them how jealous they are of their newly remodeled kitchen? And that doesn’t require me to give specific feedback on the hardware metal finish or the laminate flooring, I am just tell them how much I wish I was in their shoes. And I can have fun with this too and laugh at myself for how much I wish I had a new space to show off. 

This is tying in the second thing I always do when giving my opinion about someone else’s home style and decorations. Be specific. If you like the work they’ve done, tell them why. Mention the colors, the shapes, the textures, how the space makes you feel. Use detailed language, even if you don’t have a deep understanding of designer vocabulary. Some common words you might use are cheery, luxurious, clean, organized, open, bright, rich, energetic, harmonious, or sophisticated - all as applicable to the situation, of course.  A general statement like “it’s nice” hangs in the air like a too sweet chemical air freshener. And listen, using the word “interesting” is an understood kiss of death. Interesting is always served up as a backhanded complement, no one is fooled by this word. So don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re being polite or vague enough to conceal your true feelings by using the word “interesting”. You’re not getting away with it, and don’t make the mistake of say it would when you actually mean dynamic or vibrant. The word interesting usually leaves people feeling insulted and isolated.

We have to acknowledge that when we are given the opportunity to give someone our opinion on their creative project, we are given a tremendous amount of power. Many people shy away from creative work all together because it requires great vulnerability, whereas criticism can have the same intoxicating effect that fuels bullies and politicians. All this to say, resist the urge to come off as fierce or sharp or funny at your friends’ expense. These attempts will often materialize as cruelty to our loved ones, regardless of the intention.

Rather, take the approach of being both direct and kind. This is true for both compliments and suggesting areas of improvement. And what if you really do see things you think your bestie could have done better in their home makeover? I get asked my opinion of people’s homes all the time, everyone loves a little free consultation from their friend the interior designer, and I love giving them. But, it can be hard to determine if someone is looking for validation or true constructive criticism. Here’s something to consider - did they actually ask you what you think? Many people will excitedly give you a tour of their new bathroom or back porch and say they can’t wait for you to see it. This is actually not an invitation for feedback. This is the equivalent of a child showing you an art project that they made in school. They’re proud of what they’ve achieved. They’re happy with it. And if we go all New York Times art critic on them, it’s not really going to be received as helpful, it’s going to be received as unsolicited. Unless they have a super specific problem that they are still working through and they ask for your help or feedback, if the project is all done and dusted, there are only a few things that can be said critically that are actually helpful. And again, these have to be specific comments, when we are asked for our opinion- then we can consider the following. 

Can your feedback be implemented in a day? I’ve heard this advise for given comments on someone’s appear - could they fix it in five minutes? If not, don’t say anything. This is true for the home, but scaled appropriately so to a single day. This includes repainting an accent wall to another color or relocating it to another wall, furniture placement - moving a chair to the opposite side of the room, relocating a lamp, moving artwork around, or even taking away or adding a few accessories here and there. This does not include the color of a brand new marble counter top, flooring choices, backsplashes, and custom cabinetry finishes. I also like to frame places for improvement around the areas that are working, for instance, if you’re family member just redid their fireplace and they are obsessed with it, I might help them choose mantle decorations and furniture placement that help show the fireplace off, rather than distract from it or compete in any way.

And lastly, it is also possible that when asked for your feedback, you don’t know your opinion. Everyone has so much on their plate, sometimes being asked for thoughtful feedback can feel like a little too much unpaid labor, and you just draw a blank. In this case, ask questions about how your friend arrived at the decisions they made - and ask these from a place of pure curiosity and love, don’t ask leading questions like “why did you pick THAT area rug?” Ask them if they had a Pinterest board, ask them what their favorite part of the room is, and what was the hardest aspect to bring together. This will give you time to process your own thoughts, but it might also lead you to a place were you don’t have to comment at all. Before you know it, the new kitchen tour is done, and everyone’s enjoying snacks and drinks in it, using it just as it was designed. 

I hope you enjoy spending time with your loved ones this holiday season and remember to take awesome care of yourself, and I will talk to you in the next episode.